Every little thing's gonna be alright....

I am an avid Pinterest junkie and I ran across this tonight. Sometimes you just need a reminder, ya know?

This second adoption is growing more patience in me than I want. I mean, it is dragging on FOREVER with no end in sight. But, as my trusty sign reminds me...it will be ok.

We are waiting for our birthmother to find us, we cannot WAIT to meet our precious child. Someone asked me the other day if I would prefer a girl or boy this time. I just want a baby, I have no interest in choosing gender. Just send a baby.

So since waiting is driving me nuts, let me update you on the GREAT things in our life. Our son is 3 and a 1/2 and is smart and independent and funny. Being his parents bring us more joy than anything else. Our jobs are going well. We are traveling a lot this summer, just got back from a Disney trip that was a blast! We have SUCH supportive families and some of the BEST friends you could ask for. We are about to get involved in a small group at church and are so excited about the fellowship that will bring. We need it immensely. We are teachers of a 3 year old class at church and love love love our kiddos! We would love to work with the youth or in the addiction ministry at church eventually as well.

Yes, doors are being opened for us and we always maintain such gratitude for wherever we are in life. Please just join us in prayer for our next munchkin and his/her birthmother. And for us. Because, no matter how positive of a person you are, the wait is hard. And long. And we have SO much love to share. <3  

The Things That Matter

My friend posted a quote on her FB wall that I just love. It goes like this:

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter" -MLK, Jr

On this adoption journey, we have encountered an ugly truth. When it happened, we vowed to do something about it. I'm ashamed to say that life has gotten in the way and we have been silent about something that truly matters to us. Here's the back story....

We were matched a few months ago with a precious young couple in another state. They had chosen us and we spoke with them, hitting it off immediately. Unfortunately, the agency they were with had a miscommunication with our home agency about the price surrounding this adoption. When we got the breakdown of fees, we couldn't afford it and we were just amazed at some of the fees coming out of a "not for profit" agency.

You guys know me. I ask lots of questions and I cannot be quiet when I feel something isn't right. We began speaking with the social worker there to see if there was any wiggle room with the price. We loved this family and wanted to work it out if we could. We were then told that this enormous fee was "standard when adopting a full Caucasian baby when drugs aren't a factor". My jaw hit the floor for a number of reasons. One, the baby wasn't full Caucasian. Both of the birthparents claimed an additional ethnicity besides Caucasian. Two, full Caucasian isn't and never will be our goal. And third (and most importantly), why is there a different price placed on children based on the color of their skin?!

Something flipped in us that day. We went through every emotion possible. So many things were said to us that were offensive and disgusting. In the end, we walked away. It broke our hearts. We have so much love to give a child and we wanted that child. Coincidentally, the baby was a little girl and due on the day my husband and I were engaged. Just heartbreaking.

But not all bad. We figured out exactly what mattered to us. We knew that we couldn't enter into a contract with an agency that held those beliefs. All children are precious and the color of their skin matters in terms of their identity only. And these circumstances were used to guide us toward a wonderful home agency whose beliefs are directly in line with our own. We are now with an agency that provides emotional support for birthmoms before, during, and after delivery. They teach them life skills and help them deal with life after the biggest decision they will ever make. They love their adoptive families and honestly want to help us grow.

Out of the dark devastation we were facing, hope rose up. Something else rose up too. The desire to speak out against an injustice. You see, there are a lot of kids waiting to find their forever family. They can't help the color of their skin and they shouldn't be asked to apologize for it. They shouldn't be devalued because of something that we should have moved past as a country.

I cannot and will not be silent. I'm anxious to hear what you all think our path of action should be? Gonna start with a letter to the governing agency in this particular state. Would love to hear additional ideas.

And please don't leave this thinking that adoption is horrible. Hear me, the exact opposite is true. Adoption is beautiful, wonderful, amazing...when it's done right. Things like this give adoption a bad name. Not my intent. This isn't adoption. This is unfortunate and I cannot rest until I say something. Thanks for listening.  <3  

The Waiting Game

"Time feels slower when we do nothing but wait." -- Toba Beta

Perhaps this should be entitled, "The Waiting Game, What It's Teaching Me, and Why I'm Bad At It", but that felt like too long of a title. Let me tell you about me. I'm a solver. If you present me with a problem, I will find a solution. I don't stop until I have the answer and I can usually find a way to make it work quickly. I've always been this way. I hated waiting on others to answer questions in school, so much so that I'd often blurt it out and get in trouble. And I was that kid who didn't understand why we had to "show our work" in math class to get credit. The answer was right, so why did the steps in between matter? Yes, I was THAT KID.

As I got older, I continued to have this personality. I've chosen a profession where I solve problems all day long. And I have to be able to solve lots of problems at once because there is so much to do. And if I get something on my mind, it must be accomplished so that I can make room up there for other things. It's just me. I'm not perfect, but I am lovable in my imperfection.

So it is a cruel twist of irony that our second adoption is so slow. Painfully slow at times. I've cleaned the attic, rearranged the cabinets, cleaned out my son's toys and his closet. The garage has been organized. Our closet is next (saving that because it terrifies me) and then the guest room. I have to keep busy or I will go crazy, though that's an admittedly short trip these days.

Remember when I told you I'm the person who thought I only needed to get the right answer and not show the steps in between? I've now realized that "showing your work" is what makes the end result worth it. It's in the hard work that we understand what's truly important. And this wait is hard. I cannot explain it but it feels like part of my family isn't under my roof and that is the most unsettling feeling.

So for now, we will continue to organize our home and get our "ducks in a row". We will spend lots of time with our first blessing and make precious memories. And we will not miss the lessons that our hard work is teaching us. It is growing our faith enormously and we are thankful for that. Thanks for listening.  <3

"Though the wait is long, my dream of you does not end." --Nuala O'Faolain

Let's Talk About Infertility

What a light subject, huh? I got an email today about how infertility can affect friendships and it got me thinking about infertility and what a bear it is. It is painful, it is ugly, and it brings to light parts of you that you had no clue were there. And it does affect friendships.

People who struggle with infertility have such difficulty watching friend after friend get pregnant, sometimes without even "trying". It's not that we aren't happy for you, we are. But we want to know what it's like. And for that reason, we go through a series of emotions. Sometimes friends get caught in the crossfire.

I am SO beyond fortunate for the friends who stuck with me in the dark days of our infertility. The ones who had no idea what I was going through, but who listened anyway. The ones who weren't afraid of my tears. The ones who wanted us to have a child too and became our biggest cheerleaders. The ones who were the MOST excited when we were matched and who treat our boy like he is the most special treasure (because he is). The ones who check in with us now and cannot wait to meet our next munchkin.

Yes, infertility has an ugly side. But for us it hasn't been all bad. Because of infertility, we appreciate every little thing about being a parent. We find ourselves looking at each other and smiling over something our son has done (several times a day), just because we know how blessed we are. Infertility ultimately brought us to adoption sooner. We have met some amazing people through our journey and have been able to relate with them in a different way, just because we've faced the same struggles. It has allowed me to be a sounding board and outlet for countless women who are suffering, and I am honored to be able to be that for them.

And infertility has shown me things about myself that I needed to know. I am not good at everything, nor do I have to be. I am the best me I can be, and that's enough. I am strong. I have endured and overcome and have a sweet love story to tell now. Blood doesn't make a family, love does. My road hasn't been easy, but I'm thankful that I was chosen to walk it and that it is taking me to some beautiful places...  <3

For those of you struggling, keep your head and your heart in the right place. Lean on those people who are determined to love you, no matter how prickly you are. Remember that they want what's best for you too. And recognize that everybody carries pain in some form. We are all hurting. Give the people around you the love and support you crave and it will come back to you. 

An Attitude of Gratitude

I have a very special friend (really extended family member) who is adopting from Uganda as we speak. She and her husband are there and have a court date tomorrow. We are praying for favorable results! She sent an email today in which she said that she is just struck by the sense of loss associated with adoption. I admit, it isn't a subject I dwell on too often. It's too difficult. When I do, here's what I think.

I am extremely grateful that there are women brave enough to choose this path for their children. I am humbled that their selflessness has led to the best gift I've been given. And I'm overwhelmed (and sad) that their pain ultimately leads to my greatest joy.

I get angry when people assume that children who are placed for adoption aren't wanted. They are wanted and they are loved. I have to imagine that a birthmom struggles every second with her decision. No one enters into it lightly, but they do it because they aren't in a place to parent and want to give their child the world.

Our birthmom was so open with us. She shared her struggles with us and her dreams for our son. I was struck by the realization that life wasn't very fair to this woman. And yet she was doing the best she could. She was able to overcome her addictions so that our sweet boy wasn't exposed to much for long. As a result, he is a happy, healthy, very smart toddler. 2 going on 20. She had 3 abortions before she conceived our son, and yet she chose to carry him to term. I am amazed and so so so thankful.

No, I don't dwell on the tough side of adoption often. I'm not naive to it. It is healthy to remember that not all parties experience joy. It keeps you grounded. And it reminds you to keep holding on to that attitude of gratitude that is so important....

What Not To Say To Adoptive Parents

Ok, so I'm sure people mean well when they inquire about our adoption. However, it doesn't give them free reign to just ask anything. My friend and I were discussing this today and I thought I'd share what a group of adoptive moms have come up with. These are actual things we've been asked and don't care to be asked again.

1. Why didn't you adopt within your own race? Seriously, folks? What is this, 1950?

2. How much did he/she cost? Um, last time I checked it was my money that paid for this. Not your money = not your business. My answer has always been "priceless" because that's true.

3. It's like he's your real son. There would be a very big reason for that. He is!

4. Do you think you can love him like he's your real son? See the question above as to why this is offensive. And I may love him more than a biological child (don't know, don't have one) because he was hard to come by and he's so special.

5. Are they really brothers and sisters? They look nothing alike.  First of all, I come from a very "blended" family. I look like none of my siblings, even though we have some genes in common. They are a family so yes, they're really brothers and sisters.

6. Do they speak English? Probably better than you...

7. Are you going to tell them they're adopted? It's not a secret, nor is it anything to be ashamed of. My child has been told from the beginning that he was loved so much that he needed 2 moms. As he gets older, we'll share more. I want him to be proud of where he is and where he came from.

8. Didn't their real parents want them? For the record, if you ever say this in front of my child, be prepared for the wrath of Mama Bear. Birth parents have the HARDEST decision on this planet, do not make light of it. And do NOT insult my child by making him feel like he was second choice. He wasn't, I assure you.

9. Don't you want to have your "own children"? My son is my own child. He doesn't have to be born from my womb to qualify. Family is made of SO much more than blood. And please, don't follow this question with your top tip for proper baby-making. We know how it works, thanks.

10. Do not tell us we took the "easy" or "painless" road to parenthood. Adoption is very complex and there's nothing easy or painless about it. I know people who have been waiting for years to adopt and who have had several adoptions fall through. I know people who were bonding with their child, only to have that child removed through no fault of their own. And don't get me started on how painful/costly/insensitive infertility is...

11. Now that you've adopted, you'll surely get pregnant! Of all the adoptive couples I know, this has happened to 2 of them. It's pretty rare. And if a couple has had a long road of infertility, you're surely just reopening a fresh wound.

12. Above all, do NOT (under any circumstances) tell my child he is lucky to have been adopted. One thing I can tell you is that WE are the lucky ones. Actually, it has so little to do with luck. Everyone that lives under this roof is blessed. Period.

We do invite you to tell us how beautiful our child is. We love to hear it, even if we can't take credit for it.


Below are the preferred terms in the adoption world today:

Negative Terms	Preferred Terms
Gave up her child for adoption	Placed her child for adoption
Real parent; natural parent	Birth parent, biological parent
Adoptive parent	Parent
His adopted child	His child
Illegitimate	Born to unmarried parents
Adoptee	Child who was adopted
To keep	To parent
Adoptable child; available child	Waiting child
Foreign adoption	International adoption
Track down parents	Search
Unwanted child	Child placed for adoption
Is adopted	Was adopted

Our Journey

Hello everyone! I've wanted to write a blog for some time now, but haven't exactly known where to begin. It is my hope that this will be mostly about adoption, as that is my passion. Here's a little bit of our story:

I am Jennifer, a 30 something mom from a rural suburb in a very Southern state. I married my college sweetheart 8 years ago and it's been a wonderful journey! My husband and I talked about adopting long before we got married and we began pursuing our dream almost 3 years ago. Our adoption story isn't typical. We applied with a wonderful agency in November 2008 (right after Thanksgiving), had a whirlwind homestudy, and received a call to match us on January 9th. We flew halfway across the country on January 21st to meet the most amazing kiddo and he's made our lives interesting and magical ever since.

About a year ago, we felt that familiar tugging on our hearts. We knew that we were ready to begin the process of adopting again. We officially put in an application in February and are in the midst of a very different adoption experience than our first.

We feel like we've learned a TON about adoption and have lots to say about the process. We want to help others who are going through this and will feature topics on various aspects of domestic adoption. If you adopt internationally, stay tuned. I have several friends who have navigated that path too and I'm hoping they'll guest blog from time to time. Feel free to ask anything if you are seriously considering adoption as a way to grow your family. We understand how scary and overwhelming the process can be! We will answer the best we can. Thanks for reading, more to come soon....