I have a very special friend (really extended family member) who is adopting from Uganda as we speak. She and her husband are there and have a court date tomorrow. We are praying for favorable results! She sent an email today in which she said that she is just struck by the sense of loss associated with adoption. I admit, it isn't a subject I dwell on too often. It's too difficult. When I do, here's what I think.
I am extremely grateful that there are women brave enough to choose this path for their children. I am humbled that their selflessness has led to the best gift I've been given. And I'm overwhelmed (and sad) that their pain ultimately leads to my greatest joy.
I get angry when people assume that children who are placed for adoption aren't wanted. They are wanted and they are loved. I have to imagine that a birthmom struggles every second with her decision. No one enters into it lightly, but they do it because they aren't in a place to parent and want to give their child the world.
Our birthmom was so open with us. She shared her struggles with us and her dreams for our son. I was struck by the realization that life wasn't very fair to this woman. And yet she was doing the best she could. She was able to overcome her addictions so that our sweet boy wasn't exposed to much for long. As a result, he is a happy, healthy, very smart toddler. 2 going on 20. She had 3 abortions before she conceived our son, and yet she chose to carry him to term. I am amazed and so so so thankful.
No, I don't dwell on the tough side of adoption often. I'm not naive to it. It is healthy to remember that not all parties experience joy. It keeps you grounded. And it reminds you to keep holding on to that attitude of gratitude that is so important....
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
What Not To Say To Adoptive Parents
Ok, so I'm sure people mean well when they inquire about our adoption. However, it doesn't give them free reign to just ask anything. My friend and I were discussing this today and I thought I'd share what a group of adoptive moms have come up with. These are actual things we've been asked and don't care to be asked again.
1. Why didn't you adopt within your own race? Seriously, folks? What is this, 1950?
2. How much did he/she cost? Um, last time I checked it was my money that paid for this. Not your money = not your business. My answer has always been "priceless" because that's true.
3. It's like he's your real son. There would be a very big reason for that. He is!
4. Do you think you can love him like he's your real son? See the question above as to why this is offensive. And I may love him more than a biological child (don't know, don't have one) because he was hard to come by and he's so special.
5. Are they really brothers and sisters? They look nothing alike. First of all, I come from a very "blended" family. I look like none of my siblings, even though we have some genes in common. They are a family so yes, they're really brothers and sisters.
6. Do they speak English? Probably better than you...
7. Are you going to tell them they're adopted? It's not a secret, nor is it anything to be ashamed of. My child has been told from the beginning that he was loved so much that he needed 2 moms. As he gets older, we'll share more. I want him to be proud of where he is and where he came from.
8. Didn't their real parents want them? For the record, if you ever say this in front of my child, be prepared for the wrath of Mama Bear. Birth parents have the HARDEST decision on this planet, do not make light of it. And do NOT insult my child by making him feel like he was second choice. He wasn't, I assure you.
9. Don't you want to have your "own children"? My son is my own child. He doesn't have to be born from my womb to qualify. Family is made of SO much more than blood. And please, don't follow this question with your top tip for proper baby-making. We know how it works, thanks.
10. Do not tell us we took the "easy" or "painless" road to parenthood. Adoption is very complex and there's nothing easy or painless about it. I know people who have been waiting for years to adopt and who have had several adoptions fall through. I know people who were bonding with their child, only to have that child removed through no fault of their own. And don't get me started on how painful/costly/insensitive infertility is...
11. Now that you've adopted, you'll surely get pregnant! Of all the adoptive couples I know, this has happened to 2 of them. It's pretty rare. And if a couple has had a long road of infertility, you're surely just reopening a fresh wound.
12. Above all, do NOT (under any circumstances) tell my child he is lucky to have been adopted. One thing I can tell you is that WE are the lucky ones. Actually, it has so little to do with luck. Everyone that lives under this roof is blessed. Period.
We do invite you to tell us how beautiful our child is. We love to hear it, even if we can't take credit for it.
Below are the preferred terms in the adoption world today:
1. Why didn't you adopt within your own race? Seriously, folks? What is this, 1950?
2. How much did he/she cost? Um, last time I checked it was my money that paid for this. Not your money = not your business. My answer has always been "priceless" because that's true.
3. It's like he's your real son. There would be a very big reason for that. He is!
4. Do you think you can love him like he's your real son? See the question above as to why this is offensive. And I may love him more than a biological child (don't know, don't have one) because he was hard to come by and he's so special.
5. Are they really brothers and sisters? They look nothing alike. First of all, I come from a very "blended" family. I look like none of my siblings, even though we have some genes in common. They are a family so yes, they're really brothers and sisters.
6. Do they speak English? Probably better than you...
7. Are you going to tell them they're adopted? It's not a secret, nor is it anything to be ashamed of. My child has been told from the beginning that he was loved so much that he needed 2 moms. As he gets older, we'll share more. I want him to be proud of where he is and where he came from.
8. Didn't their real parents want them? For the record, if you ever say this in front of my child, be prepared for the wrath of Mama Bear. Birth parents have the HARDEST decision on this planet, do not make light of it. And do NOT insult my child by making him feel like he was second choice. He wasn't, I assure you.
9. Don't you want to have your "own children"? My son is my own child. He doesn't have to be born from my womb to qualify. Family is made of SO much more than blood. And please, don't follow this question with your top tip for proper baby-making. We know how it works, thanks.
10. Do not tell us we took the "easy" or "painless" road to parenthood. Adoption is very complex and there's nothing easy or painless about it. I know people who have been waiting for years to adopt and who have had several adoptions fall through. I know people who were bonding with their child, only to have that child removed through no fault of their own. And don't get me started on how painful/costly/insensitive infertility is...
11. Now that you've adopted, you'll surely get pregnant! Of all the adoptive couples I know, this has happened to 2 of them. It's pretty rare. And if a couple has had a long road of infertility, you're surely just reopening a fresh wound.
12. Above all, do NOT (under any circumstances) tell my child he is lucky to have been adopted. One thing I can tell you is that WE are the lucky ones. Actually, it has so little to do with luck. Everyone that lives under this roof is blessed. Period.
We do invite you to tell us how beautiful our child is. We love to hear it, even if we can't take credit for it.
Below are the preferred terms in the adoption world today:
| Negative Terms | Preferred Terms |
| Gave up her child for adoption | Placed her child for adoption |
| Real parent; natural parent | Birth parent, biological parent |
| Adoptive parent | Parent |
| His adopted child | His child |
| Illegitimate | Born to unmarried parents |
| Adoptee | Child who was adopted |
| To keep | To parent |
| Adoptable child; available child | Waiting child |
| Foreign adoption | International adoption |
| Track down parents | Search |
| Unwanted child | Child placed for adoption |
| Is adopted | Was adopted |
Our Journey
Hello everyone! I've wanted to write a blog for some time now, but haven't exactly known where to begin. It is my hope that this will be mostly about adoption, as that is my passion. Here's a little bit of our story:
I am Jennifer, a 30 something mom from a rural suburb in a very Southern state. I married my college sweetheart 8 years ago and it's been a wonderful journey! My husband and I talked about adopting long before we got married and we began pursuing our dream almost 3 years ago. Our adoption story isn't typical. We applied with a wonderful agency in November 2008 (right after Thanksgiving), had a whirlwind homestudy, and received a call to match us on January 9th. We flew halfway across the country on January 21st to meet the most amazing kiddo and he's made our lives interesting and magical ever since.
About a year ago, we felt that familiar tugging on our hearts. We knew that we were ready to begin the process of adopting again. We officially put in an application in February and are in the midst of a very different adoption experience than our first.
We feel like we've learned a TON about adoption and have lots to say about the process. We want to help others who are going through this and will feature topics on various aspects of domestic adoption. If you adopt internationally, stay tuned. I have several friends who have navigated that path too and I'm hoping they'll guest blog from time to time. Feel free to ask anything if you are seriously considering adoption as a way to grow your family. We understand how scary and overwhelming the process can be! We will answer the best we can. Thanks for reading, more to come soon....
I am Jennifer, a 30 something mom from a rural suburb in a very Southern state. I married my college sweetheart 8 years ago and it's been a wonderful journey! My husband and I talked about adopting long before we got married and we began pursuing our dream almost 3 years ago. Our adoption story isn't typical. We applied with a wonderful agency in November 2008 (right after Thanksgiving), had a whirlwind homestudy, and received a call to match us on January 9th. We flew halfway across the country on January 21st to meet the most amazing kiddo and he's made our lives interesting and magical ever since.
About a year ago, we felt that familiar tugging on our hearts. We knew that we were ready to begin the process of adopting again. We officially put in an application in February and are in the midst of a very different adoption experience than our first.
We feel like we've learned a TON about adoption and have lots to say about the process. We want to help others who are going through this and will feature topics on various aspects of domestic adoption. If you adopt internationally, stay tuned. I have several friends who have navigated that path too and I'm hoping they'll guest blog from time to time. Feel free to ask anything if you are seriously considering adoption as a way to grow your family. We understand how scary and overwhelming the process can be! We will answer the best we can. Thanks for reading, more to come soon....
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